In this post you're going to learn how this trauma-inducing piece of cinema can save your goddamn life! Ready to have your minds impaled on a stake? I know I am!
"Cannibal Holocaust" is a movie about survival. It teaches the viewer all the dos and don'ts of survival in the amazon jungle. Didn't bring enough food on your jungle trek? Just find yourself a tasty jungle critter! Those rascally documentary filmmakers bagged themselves a turtle and were kind enough to film the hunting/cooking process. Knowledge is power 13th floor wanderers!
Mmmmmm turtle head.....
Now I'm no expert in jungle travel but I can imagine if you ran out of food and critters to hunt, the plump and slow witted member of your party probably starts to look pretty darn delicious. Just do as the cannibals do!
Cooking human is tricky business and these kooky bastards have been doing it for centuries so really pay attention to their technique.
"Cannibal Holocaust" also has a great deal to teach about jungle etiquette. Lets do some roleplaying. You just stumbled upon a village of happy go lucky jungle dwellers. Looking around you think to yourself "Lord Jesus Christ on a bicycle these cannibal chicks are fine! What can a city boy like me do to earn the trust of these wild hotties?"
Just follow Dr. Munroe's lead. Strip down to your birthday suit and get your pale ass into the river! To quote "Field of Dreams" "They will come!" . Just think, Kevin Costner had to build a whole goddamn baseball field nd all he got were some baseball plying ghosts! I think Dr. Munroe wins this round...
*DISCLAIMER* Hate to be a buzz kill but there are some dangers accompanied with doing this. First beware of leaches and piranha. This is the jungle after all. Secondly these ladies aren't really up to date on modern female hygiene ...be careful boys. Play safe*END DISCLAIMER*
Isn't roleplaying fun? Want some more? Imagine you and your buddies embarking on an amazon adventure. You've drank wayyyy too much and want nothing more then some bungle in the jungle with a local native girl. DON'T FUCKING DO IT!!!!!!! These cannibal tribes don't take kindly to mixing cream with coffee and if they get their cannibalistic mitts on you its arrivederci Mr. Johnson!
And you thought that poor turtle had it bad.....yowzas!
Another piece of advice offered by "Cannibal Holocaust" is very simple one really.....DON'T FUCKING GO TO THE AMAZON! Especially if there happens to be a turf war between two rival cannibal tribes taking place. *DISCLAIMER* Not sure what caused the riff originally. I'm guessing one tribe likes Ketchup the other prefers mustard *END DISCLAIMER*
Hope you had fun and learned lots my friends. See you next time on the 13th Floor!
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