"Excuse me waiter? My meal is still breathing...." How Cannibal Holocaust can save your life!

Feast your eyes on part 2 of my "Cannibal Holocaust" saga! Who's ready for some more ooey gooey cannibal fun?!
 In this post you're going to learn how this trauma-inducing  piece of cinema can save your goddamn life! Ready to have your minds impaled on a stake? I know I am! 

 "Cannibal Holocaust" is a movie about survival. It teaches the viewer all the dos and don'ts of survival in the amazon jungle. Didn't bring enough food on your jungle trek? Just find yourself a tasty jungle critter! Those rascally documentary filmmakers bagged themselves a turtle and were kind enough to film the hunting/cooking process. Knowledge is power 13th floor wanderers!

 

 

Mmmmmm turtle head..... 

Now I'm no expert in jungle travel but I can imagine if you ran out of food and critters to hunt, the plump and slow witted member of your party probably starts to look pretty darn delicious.  Just do as the cannibals do!

 

 Cooking human is tricky business and these kooky bastards have been doing it for centuries so really pay attention to their technique. 

"Cannibal Holocaust" also has a great deal to teach about jungle etiquette. Lets do some roleplaying. You just stumbled upon a village of happy go lucky jungle dwellers. Looking around you think to yourself "Lord Jesus Christ on  a bicycle these cannibal chicks are fine! What can a city boy like me do to earn the trust of these wild hotties?"

Just follow Dr. Munroe's lead. Strip down to your birthday suit and get your pale ass into the river! To quote "Field of Dreams" "They will come!" . Just think, Kevin Costner had to build a  whole goddamn baseball field nd all he got were some baseball plying ghosts! I think Dr. Munroe wins this round...

 

*DISCLAIMER*  Hate to be  a buzz kill but there are some dangers accompanied with doing this. First beware of leaches and piranha. This is the jungle after all. Secondly these ladies aren't really up to date on modern female hygiene ...be careful boys. Play safe*END DISCLAIMER*

 

Isn't roleplaying fun? Want some more? Imagine you and your buddies embarking on an amazon adventure. You've drank wayyyy too much and want nothing more then some bungle in the jungle with a local native girl. DON'T FUCKING DO IT!!!!!!! These cannibal tribes don't take kindly to mixing cream with coffee and if they get their  cannibalistic mitts on you its arrivederci Mr. Johnson!

And you thought that poor turtle had it bad.....yowzas!

 

Another piece of advice offered by "Cannibal Holocaust" is  very simple one really.....DON'T FUCKING GO TO THE AMAZON! Especially if there happens to be a turf war between two rival cannibal tribes taking place. *DISCLAIMER* Not sure what caused the riff originally. I'm guessing one tribe likes Ketchup the other prefers mustard *END DISCLAIMER* 

 

 

Hope you had fun and learned lots my friends. See you next time on the 13th Floor!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chow Down 13th floor Wanderers! Part 1 of My Cannibal Holocaust Saga!

Hello 13th floor wanderers! I have an ooey gooey treat for you all. I the master of the 13th floor am going to dedicate two whole posts to Ruggero Deodato's "Cannibal Holocaust"! *DISCLAIMER* Viewer Discretion Advised to the extreme! *END DISCLAIMER* The first post is going to be a straight forward plot synopsis/review/philosophical waxing about the moral codes of Cannibalistic tribes. Shall we begin? Have pepto and a puke bag at the ready. This is going to be nasty!

 

Not going to lie to you folks, there is nothing pleasant about this little motion picture..... 

Well this scene was rather pleasant. Early 80's boobs aren't the same as 70's boobs but once in a while they do the trick. What were we talking about again? Oh right "Cannibal Holocaust"!

The film opens with a faux television documentary discussing the disappearance of  four documentary filmmakers.

The filmmakers in question were filming a documentary in the amazon rainforest about feuding Cannibalistic tribes. The area these tribes inhabit has been given the name "The green Inferno".Hoping to retrace their steps in the hopes of finding them, Anthropologist Dr. Harold Munroe(porn legend Robert Kerman) travels to the Green Inferno.

 *DISCLAIMER* That's right folks a porn actor playing an anthropologist. How can this movie be bad?! *END DISCLAIMER*

Leading Dr. Munroe through the green inferno is Cacho. Cacho acts as the Virgil to Dr. Munroe's Dante *DISCLAIMER* If you haven't read "Dante's Inferno" think of it this way. Cacho acts as the Tommy Lee Jones to Dr. Munroe's Will smith. If you haven't seen Men In Black.....you're fucked! *END DISCLAIMER* If I was going into a place called the Green Inferno I would want a badass mofo like Cacho as my guide!

 

Cacho (Guy in green) and Dr. Munroe struggle to find shelter during a hurricane, surrounded by folks looking for the right Barbeque sauce to cook them with. Dr. Munroe nervously talks into his tape recorder while Cacho cooly rolls a fatty and takes a couple of mondo drags out of it. What a guy!

On their trek through the inferno, the dup encounter several atrocities commited by the nearby cannibal tribes.  About 20 minutes into this film there is a scene. In my honest to Lucifer opinion it is the nastiest and most fucked up scene in cinematic history. I don't have the stomach to describe it

 

Not even going to describe whats about to happen in this scene. Lets just say Cannibals of very strict views on the sanctity of marriage and have no tolerance for adultery. Hello Irony! In the cannibal world it is okay to eat in with your neighbor's wife but eating out is COMPLETELY out of the question!  *DISCLAIMER* Once again I apologize to all family members who had to read a sexual innuendo in your Brother's, Cousin's,Nephew's ,Son's blog *END DISCLAIMER*  I scrambled to turn the film off after witnessing this scene.  There I sat alone in my basement on a sunny July day *DISCLAIMER* Don't judge me! *END DISCLAIMER* sitting on my arm chair shakingly sipping from of a can of beer.  Staring into the blank television screen I thought to myself :"Self...that was fucked up! Just think, its probably just going to get worse from  there. Do you think you can handle this? The voice in my head said this in a real snarky tone which bothered me.  I'm pretty sure it called me a wuss too (although it denies it now) So to prove that bastard wrong I downed my beer, grabbed another and finished watching the movie.  I was never the same.......

Eventually Dr. Munroe and Cacho discover the filmmakers remains accoampanied by their cameras (which are loaded with footage of morally ambiguous hijinks).

 

Returning to New York, Dr. Munroe watches the footage which acts as the second half of the film. If you thought the first hour was bad buckle your seat belts boys and girls you've seen nothing yet! Not only are we treated to the savage acts of the cannibal tribes but also the savage acts of the filmmakers.

 

These wily rascals do everything from burning down an entire village to teaching a young native girl the meaning of "ménage a trois"or in this poor girl's case "ménage a quatre" . All on footage mind you. Too morally ambiguous folk everywhere ...DON'T LEAVE A RECORD! *DISCLAIMER* The 13th floor does not associate with morally ambiguous people and does not in any way condone morally ambiguous acts. *END DISCLAIMER* .

This film is a complete shotgun blast to the senses and everything you consider decent and moral. I can't in good conscience say I recommend this movie to everyone. I only recommend this flick to those who wish to be disturbed like they've never been disturbed before. This movie haunts my dreams to this day! Nastiness and 80's camp aside the film does have artistic merit. It is an excellent and effective commentary on sensationalism in the media. As humans we are mysteriously drawn to grim and disturbing events and in a voyeuristic sense  become cannibals ourselves.  The film then turns the camera on the viewer. You'll be disturbed by the film's shocking brutality but will be even more disturbed when you realize you watched the entire thing...and liked it!

The film does contain a hauntingly beautiful score by the maestro Riz Ortolani (one of my favorite horror film soundtracks).The film  does contain some great cinematography. Why I have a particular soft spot for this anything but soft film is it started the "found footage" horror subgenre I love so dearly. The footage recorded by the actors looks authentic and if you were to randomly land on a channel playing the film you would be convinced you're watching an authentic documentary.

The gore effects in the film are also extremely realistic.

 

I've never seen someone impaled before but I have a hunch it looks a lot like this....ouch! In fact, the violence was so realistic the director Ruggero Deodato was arrested after its released. He was accused of actually murdering his cast and had to reproduce the effects in court! Just tell that to the next knucklehead who brags about how realistic the blood in guts in the "Saw" series is.

Well folks this concludes part one. I'll give you all some time to collect yourselves and maybe call a therapist or two. The next blog post will be entitled "How Cannibal Holocaust Can Save your Life!" Hope you're as excited as I am!

 

Getting all Subconscious up in here!

Greetings! Ready for another mind blowing experience on the 13th floor? Fear not, this post isn't a "viewer discretion" one. Figured I would give your morals a break after my Ilsa post. In today's post I will be discussing a frightening and great independent horror film entitled "Subconscious".

 

Written, directed and produced by Chris Petropoulos and filmed in parts of Greece and Serbia, Subconscious is a mind bending entry in the "found-footage" horror subgenre. I absolutely adore this subgenre with all of my blackened heart! Some feel its been overused but in my humble opinion it has been under used. On further trips down the 13th floor I'll recommend original and scary as hell found footage movies such as "Subconscious".  

 

 

The protagonist of the film is a young man named Fanis played by Fanis Katrivesis. After losing his family in an accident Fanis becomes plagued by nightmares  involving a mysterious religious shrine constructed deep in the forest. Shortly after having these nightmares Fanis begins meeting women online. After meeting up with the women Fanis begins to believe that they play some part in uncovering the truth behind his nightmares. To prove his theory Fanis purchases a camcorder and films one of the women Natalie (played by the beautiful Danijela Radovanovic) on a romantic car ride to a remote cabin in the woods. What a Don Juan?!

 

Major selling point for watching the movie right here!

 

The film opens with the usual found footage disclaimer saying the footage you are about to watch was found at the scene of an unsolved crime. This is where Subconscious really differs itself from other " found footage"horror" entries, the footage looks and feels like real authentic found footage.

 

Most of the mainstream  "found footage" films of late have looked too clean and produced to be found footage. "Subconscious" looks rough and the footage doesn't tell simple beingging ,middle and end story its effectively nonlinear and sporadic like I imagine found footage would appear. Watching it you get a cheeky sense that you're not suppose to be watching what you are watching and should look over your shoulder for shadowy folk who don't want the film to grace your peepers. A word to the wise pay really close attention to the puking scene *DISCLAIMER* I'm not asking you to freeze the movie and sit really close to the television screen examining  poor Fanis' vomit *END DISCLAIMER*Just pay attention to when the scene happens and how it relates to the end of the film.Chris Petropoulos does something truly genius to the narrative of the film utilizing nifty edit work. Once you  piece it together *DISCLAIMER* Petropoulos himself had to explain it to me 5 times during the course of a Facebook chat *END DISCLAIMER* you'll be vacuuming brain matter off your carpet for the month! It is that mind blowing! 

 This flick is scary as hell! I was flinching and jumping out of my skin all through the final 20 minutes.  The film is a bit of a slow burn slowly introducing the viewer to Fanis and Natalie who give extremely realistic performances. They accurately display the awkwardness of two total strangers meeting for the first time and embarking on a day long road trip. It may not appear clear at first why Fanis is recording Natalie but it will ohhhhh you better believe it will! 

 

This film is abound with spooky going ons. Once the two love birds reach their destination prepare yourselves to be rattled to your very soul. The film utilizes simple and effective less is more scare tactics. Its the little things like Natalie mysteriously disappearing only to reappear in front of a church whispering in some unknown language that will surely give you a chill! Prepare yourselves for one helluva plot twist at the end!The viewer has gotta be on their toes watching "Subconscious". This is truly a thinking person's horror wet dream. Pay very close attention to what happens in this film especially during the car ride and of course the puking scene *DISCLAIMER* BRAIN

 MATTER CLEAN UP FOR A MONTH!* END DISCLAIMER* to further your enjoyment of the film. Its a great mystery awaiting to be solved.  

 Unfortunately "Subconscious" cannot be found on dvd or bluray yet, but fear not! You can watch the Director's Cut of the Film online (vimeo link below) and it  absolutely free! Well you may have to sell your soul....kidding! *DISCLAIMER* Or am I? *END DISCLAIMER*  http://vimeo.com/59005722 Enjoy my friends and say goodbye to sleeping peacefully. "Subconscious" is appropriately named because it stays deep in your mind long after watching it.

 

"Are you goose-stepping or are you just happy to see me?" How Ilsa She Wolf of the SS can save your marriage!

I have a real treat for you today my readers! Today's post is dedicated to a powerful historical drama entitled "Ilsa She Wolf of the SS" *DISCLAIMER*  You guessed it folks this post is a Viewer Discretion kind of deal *END DISCLAIMER*

 

 

This post is going to be a wee bit different then past posts. I'll start I by giving a brief synopsis and review about this heart warming and thought provoking piece of cinema. Then I'm going to get all Dr. Phil on your collective asses. Dr. Phil!? What in blazing hell am I talking about?! You'll just have to read on and see!

Released in 1975, "Ilsa She Wolf of the SS" is directed by Don Edmunds and stars the voluptuous Dyanne  Thorne as Ilsa.

 

 

Now Ilsa has a very difficult and stressful job. She is the commandant of a Nazi prison camp dedicated to sadistic scientific experiments attempting to prove women can endure great  physical torment better then men. What a feminist! *DISCLAIMER* I apologize for not writing this on "International Woman's Day" Would have been more appropriate I know *END DISCLAIMER* To get away from the hustle and bustle of her demanding research, Ilsa spends her after hours with the prison's male population.

  

She has the gents line up for inspection and she choses one of them to be her love monkey for the evening. Doesn't sound like a bad deal eh fellas? You're probably thinking something along the lines of "  I'm not into the whole "Third Reich" deal but Jesus Christ on a bicycle  Ilsa is smoking hot!  How do I get sent to this camp!" Put away the tissues and the lube you randy bastard its really not that enticing of a situation.  You see fellas Ilsa doesn't like it when your bullet leaves your luger too soon *DISCLAIMER* For those who can't decipher that cryptic metaphor I'll ease your minds. We're not talking about the gun *END DISCLAIMER* If this is to happen you lose your luger * DISCLAIMER* Still not talking about the gun *END DISCLAIMER*

Ohhhh the Humanity!

Ilsa meets her match in an American P.O.W who has the uncanny ability to not shoot his luger for a very VERY long time.  The burly American uses this unique ability to put an end to Ilsa's reign of terror!

 

I shit you not my readers that is actually the plot of the film.  There are some very gnarly scenes in this picture. Just when you think Ilsa's experiments can't get anymore vial or morally depraved....they do. This flick is truly a guilty pleasure of mine and will probably become one of yours. A  dark twisted sense of humor is needed to watch this flick. Everything from the phony German accents to Ilsa's busty bullwhip totting sidekicks  requires your tongue to be placed firmly in your cheek for the 90 minute runtime of this picture. This is a true balls to the walls exploitation film. Full of gratuitous sex and violence *DISCLAIMER* This film contains the master race of 70s boobs!*END DISCLAIMER*

 

There is a great chance you will not feel like a good person after watching this picture. You'll be repulsed out of your skull by what goes on in Ilsa's whacky laboratory but for some reason you won't think to turn the film off. Before you know it its over and the realization slowly kicks in that you just watched in its entity and you really can't recall covering your eyes during any of it you sick bastard! have no fear I've started a support group we meet in the basement of the local Arbys every Tuesday night. You're not alone troubled soul!

What truly makes Ilsa hilarious though is the disclaimer at the beginning of the film citing what you are about to watch is based on documented fact and that the film is dedicated to all those who lost their lives during the Nazis "heinous experiments". Great flick to honor their memory by. Dig your tongure deep into your cheek!

 

As you recall, I mentioned above that I was going to get "all Dr. Phil on your collective asses." You've patiently read through my review/synopsis and are now ready for an educational experience on the 13th floor. To all my readers who are either in a relationship or are married I have a question for you. Has the flame gone out in the boudoir?  Are the ball gags  and nipple clamps just not doing it for you anymore? Has your love life gone from raunchy to just ho hum? Take note while watching Ilsa.  It will fill your kinky noggins with all sorts of ideas to keep things hot and morally ambiguous in the bedroom. If you have children I apologize to them. For I have a vision of little Timmy or Tina coming home early from school one day to find mommy clad in black Nazi SS attire showing daddy the business end of a bullwhip.  I apologize for recommending you a movie that will inflict Godzilla sized mental scarring on your kiddies. What's life without being disturbed to your core?  Boring that's what it is. See you next time on the 13th floor friends!

Curse of the Devil *DISCLAIMER* The following blog mentions 70's boobs. You've been warned *END DISCLAIMER*

Welcome back to the 13th floor. In today's post I will be recommending another obscure horror gem for you all! The title of this delightfully nasty little picture is "Curse of the Devil"(1972) Feeling any chilly willies going up your spines?

Now I realize a lot of folks don't really enjoy reading an entire review of a flick and would much rather be given short and sweet reasons for watching it. To those people reading this I say this to you :Blood, Blades and Boobs (70's boobs If you know what I mean ;)) *DISCLAIMER* I apologize to those related to me for reading this blog. It must not have been easy to hear your brother, cousin, nephew and son talk about 70's boobs *END DISCLAIMER* So there you have it my impatient readers. For all of you more patient readers who need a little more then the three B's *DISCLAIMER* I will never understand you *END DISCLAIMER* I'll give you a little more meat to chew on.
Directed by Carlos Aured and starring 70's exploitation king Paul Naschy, "Curse of the devil opens in medieval times where knight Irenius Daninski vows to rid his kingdom of a satan worshipping coven.

                                                      After beheading the coven's leader,

 

 

and before he could burn the leader's witch wife. Countess Bathory (pictured above) puts a curse on not only Irenius but on his entire bloodline! (I bet all of your ex girlfriends seem a little less scary now) The film then flashes several centuries ahead to Irenius's  descendant Waldemar Daninski (Naschy) While out hunting, Waldemar shoots and kills a wolf. As he approaches the body the wolf turns into a gypsy child thus invoking the wrath of his gypsy parents (who just happens to be descendants of the devil worshipping baddies introduced earlier in the film!) They then place a curse on poor Waldemar turning him into an out of control hungry for your intestines werewolf! 

 

No CGI folks. All real!

 

I had an absolute unholy blast watching this movie! Yes the acting and dialogue is cheesy as hell, but to me its part of the film's charm. However, the film is successful in creating a sense of doom and gloom in the viewer. For all you gore hounds out there looking for something gooey to watch look no further!  "Curse of the Devil" contains entrails galore so dig in!  There truly is something for everyone in "Curse of the Devil". Enjoy!

 

 

P.S Pretty cruel of me to mention 70's boobs and not post any examples *DISCLAIMER* To those related me to this link does not exist. Quit out of the blog now!*END DISCLAIMER*  https://www.google.ca/search?q=curse+of+the+devil+sexy&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=l6IYU_GDB4qMyQGD5ICgCA&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1366&bih=615#facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=3OxfxW9JPVXQNM%253A%3BJEiemzUJdYz7VM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252F1.bp.blogspot.com%252F_sAgO15986lo%252FTPORxhibeSI%252FAAAAAAAABak%252FioObAY9WExA%252Fs1600%252Fcurse_of_devil10.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fthelatarniaforums.yuku.com%252Ftopic%252F11494%252FMaritza-Olivares-of-CURSE-OF-THE-DEVIL%3B800%3B433 

 

 

Dr. Squatchlove or Why you should start worrying and fear the Squatch!

Hello Friends! I'm in the mood to discuss a particular horror subgenre, "Sasquatch horror" or what I like to call it "Squatch Horror" *DISCLAIMER* It isn't actually a subgenre but it goddamn should be! *END DISCLAIMER* Honestly I'm shocked and appalled that there aren't that many squatch-centric horror flicks. I mean what's not scarier then an eight foot monkey  man roaming the woods with a hard on for skull crushing! *DISCLAIMER* Its never been scientifically proven that Sasquatches are a skull crushing  species. The point is they totally could be! *END DISCLAIMER* Have no fear my friends for I am going to give you a few examples of Squatch cinema to make your lives that much more awesome!

My first recommend is the cult classic "Legend of Boggy Creek". This is the Citizen Kane of Squatch horror movies! "Legend of Boggy Creek" is a 1970's docudrama about a small Arkansas town being terrorized by a large apelike creature the locals dub the "Fouke monster".

 

The film consists of interviews with Boggy Creek residents who had run ins with the supposed "Fouke monster". The film also contains reenactments of the said incidents. Incredibly acted reenactments at that *DISCLAIMER* Incredible acting is nowhere to be found in the "Legend of Boggy Creek". *END DISCLAIMER* . This film a blast to watch mostly due to its campy drive in feel! It has a little bit of everything : horror, action, adventure, comedy, musical numbers *DISCLAIMER* The musical bits don't feature a singing and dancing Sasquatch. Sorry to disenchant *END DISCLAIMER*. I have tried ever so desperately to find a picture of my favorite scene in the movie.  In a sense this is a good thing. It just means you'll be that much more blown away by the scene when you witness its glory! Trust me you'll know what scene I'm talking about once you see it. If you want a little tease all I'll say is this....if you're  building a cabin wayyyyyy deep in the woods. Don't put a window by the toilet! Especially if the aforementioned window is big enough for a Sasquatch to reach in and strangle you while you drop the kids off at the pool! Use common sense cabin builders! You're welcome!

 

My next recommend is "Sasquatch: The Legend of Bigfoot". Another 1970's docudrama. The film tells the tale of an expedition deep into the American wilderness to find the Sasquatch. In my opinion "Legend of Boggy Creek" is the better film however; I feel "Legend of Bigfoot" feels more like an authentic documentary with slightly better acting.  The film is a slow burner it takes a great amount of time before we actually see our favorite woodland menace *DISCLAIMER* Its also not scientifically proven that Sasquatches are a menace. I personally don't believe they are but that's for a future trip down the 13th floor *END DISCLAIMER*  No worries though our weary protagonists face other obstacles along the way i.e puma attack! That's right folks pumas and Sasquatches in the same movie! Why it didn't win best picture that year I'll never know!

 

Another great squatch horror flick is "Snow Beast"! Starring 70's badass Bo Svenson, "Snow Beast" takes place at a Colorado ski resort where skiiers are being savagely murdered by the Sasquatch's distant cousin the abominable snowman! For a made for TV movie its actually surprisingly well filmed *DISCLAIMER* Seriously it is! *END DISCLAIMER* The film features great location photography of the snowy Colorado mountains. The squatch in this flick is one gnarly mofo! Painting the white mountain trails red with the blood of his victims.

 

I'm going to shock you all. Absolutely no CGI is to be found in this picture! 

 

Unfortunately the Snow Beast made a mistake. He decided to terrorize the one Ski resort Bo Svenson was staying at. That's right folks in this one made for TV movie you witness Bo take on a Sasquatch. Let me tell you all their battle is an epic one! 

 

Bo Svenson ready to kick some Squatch ass!

 

After watching these your walks in the woods will no longer be carefree. You'll be looking over your shoulder and  jumping at every little sound. Just look into the surrounding forest and know you are not alone. They're out there. Keep your eyes peeled my readers muahahahaha!