The 6 Steps to Ouija Sex: How to be single and still have fun on Valentines Day!

Greetings Wanderers!
 Lets face it, being single on this celebrated day of February 14th blows and in this golden age of social media  it blows even fiercer. One is constantly reminded that they are in fact a Han without a Leia or vise versa on Valentines day when they log on to their social media site of their choosing. Reading through newsfeeds filled with "Flowers from Bae" and "V-day dinnr with Bae" *DISCLAIMER* The term Bae needs to be brought to an end. If you in fact use the word stop it right now! *END DISCLAIMER* Don't let all those happy couples get you down, you can still have an exciting day without  red tube and lube and I'm going to show you all how. You've all heard of phone sex correct? Well have you heard of Ouija Sex?! Didn't think so.  Now I know you're thinking to yourself "Gee Whiz sir how do I have Ouija sex?!" Well I'm going to answer that question in these quick and easy steps.

Step 1: Buy, borrow, steal or craft a Ouija Board. 

That's One of the beauties of Ouija Sex its a no mess setup. Depending on how enticing an experience it is it might be a messy cleanup....just saying. 

Step 2: Get yourself looking Fine!

They may be spirits but they still have standards


Step 3: Find a quiet and solitary place.

Preferably a cemetery 

Non preferably and old abandoned prison. 

STep 4: Have google translate at the ready

Not all ghosts and ghouls speaky the Englie I'm afraid so its best to be at the ready. One little slip up in translation will have you being a goat headed demon's love monkey for the evening.

Step 5 : Find a Pickup Line.

Now these poltergeists and bandshees don't fall for any tired old pick up line. Put the brains to it son or daughter. Once you come up with a clever one, sit at the board and repeat it like a mantra until the planchett moves. "I put the S.T.D in stud and all I need is a U"  always works for me but its mine and you can't have it .

Step 6:  Ouija Responsibly

As we have all learned from countless horror films. Not all spirits are particularly friendly . SO be safe . Be sure to ask your contact lots of questions in order to get a feel for who or what in the hell they really are. If you ask them for their names and they  spell out S.A.T.A.N then shut it down!  But if you've found yourself a fun loving spirit to talk filthy with keep it going right into the late hours of the night. 

Reviewing Delivery and offering my deepest sympathies to demons everywhere!

Hello all!
 First and foremost I wish to apologize for my absence, for a brief little bit your three-eyed master thought he had lost his 13th floor mojo. Fear not for I have returned and I plan on staying on this goddamned floor til Lucifer himself comes to claim me muhahahahaha!  *ADVISORY WARNING*  This post contains 13th floor Jack Assery and Tom Foolery like you've never witnessed before *END ADVISORY WARNING*  Firstly I wan to fullfill my duties as your guru in the gruesome to recommend you a devilishly clever little horror flick entitled "Delivery:The Beast Within".

 I'm just going to come out and say it, this flick left me with a pitchfork shaped hard on for days after watching it! Rarely do I watch a contemporary horror flick and love every single minute of it!
 The film tells the tale of happily married Kyle and Rachael Massey who are expecting their first child. They agree to have the pregnancy documented on a reality television series entitled "Delivery".  At first all goes honky dory but then, shit ensues. Demonic shit, the worst kind!  For me this film was a revelation it is both a found footage horror film and an honest to lucifer, devil baby flick and ladies and gents, I loves me my devil baby flicks! I can say with great certainty that this flick is possibly the best devil baby film since Rosemary's Baby! True story. What this film succeeds in doing is forming a bond with you and the main characters so when the demonic shit mentioned above hits the fan it is that much more terrifying.

What I dislike about the recent batch of found footage flicks coming out is the use of CGI which rarely works well in the genre *DISCLAIMER* Except in Troll Hunter. They did everything right in that movie right. *END DISCLAIMER* This film uses an effective itsy bitsy bit of it, and instead relies on spooky camera tricks  that will chill your spine for a lifetime! It is also rare to find a found found footage flick that has a decent ending. They're usually awkwardly over the top but this little gem's conclusion left me in a catatonic state of shock and electric shock to the nads couldn't bring me out of. True story! *DISCLAIMER* Only slightly *END DISCLAIMR* .  I really wish I could say I recommend this flick to everyone, but if you're expecting parents steer clear of this film.  

 Not only did I feel sorry for Kyle and Rachael, but my heart kind of goes out to the demon Alaster who has claimed there baby for his earthly vessel. Its gotta be rough being a demon really. Sure you get to do all this badass stuff like be invisible , cause hellish chaos and work for Satan (best boss ever!),  but is that really enough?  Maybe all they really want to do is just feel solid ground under their feet and feel the wind blowing through their hair. Is that really so bad?  Can we really blame them for wanting just a taste of what we take for granted every day?  Just a little food for thought wanderers. See you all very soon!

Blood of the Kali Ma for everyone! An ode to Mola Ram

Greetings Wanderers! There's nothing I enjoy more in a story then a devilish fiend of a villain. The following post is dedicated to the first movie fiend to ever scare the living bejesus out of me! Was it Freddy? No Was it Jason? afraid not! Was it leather face? Should have been but no........

                                                  It was this menacing chap right here! Mola Goddamn Ram! *DISCLAIMER* Goddamn isn't Mola's middle name. Then again I'm not sure if his name is in fact Mola or if Mola is like reverend or minister in the thugge circles. Will Wikipedia this later on...*END DISCLAIMER*

That's right folks, it was the antagonist from Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom who first gave your three eyed master the willies! Just look at what's resting on the dude's head! A cowskull with a shrunken human head resting on top. Thus guy means business! Going to confess that this dude still appears in my nightmares from time to time, true story! 

*PHOTO-DSICLAIMER* If we're telling true stories here on the 13th Floor I should probably mention that it was the shaman from earliar in the film that first gave me the willies. After learning that he's a shaman with a heart of gold the willies wore off but still, creepy looking dude *END PHOTO-DISCLAIMER*

Okay enough about the spooky shaman. Its time to discuss the Darth Vader of the Indiana Jones series.  In my own twisted opinion Mola Ram (portrayed by Bollywood legend Amrish Puri) was Indy's greatest and most fierce adversary.  

 

Think about it, mean old Mr. Ram here had the black magic voodoo the Nazis so desperately tried rto obtain in the other two films, coursing through his blackened veins. This dude was raised on the black magic voodoo y'all! Yeah Yeah I hear all of you Jonsers out there muttering under your breath "Belloq's Indy's greatest villan" Bet you didn't know I can read your minds *DISCLAIMER* I can't....yet *END DISCLAIMER* So riddle me this. Could Belloq.......

 

Rip out a still beating heart

 with his bare hands all the while keeping his victim alive with the power of the "kali ma", only so they can experience the full on hell of being lowered into a pit of lava? Could he? Huh? Huh?.....didn't think so.

Mola also possessed an inventive and devilishly clever approach to recruiting folks into his thugee super army. Before I continue with this I feel I should explain a little something about the thugee cult.

The Thuggees were a group of rascally thieves and assasins who terrorized India for six hundred years. Their victims were offered up as human sacrfices to the hindu goddess Kali. Their unholky hijinks are GREATLY exaggerated in Temple of Doom, but hey that's Hollywood for ya in all of its wonderful glory. Anyhoo back to how Mola Ram gets new "blood"into his cult*DISCLAIMER* Why blood is in quotation marks is an indication that its the build up to a lame Jonser pun *END DISCLAIMER* This Kooky knucklehead  in a cowskull crown is a bit of an apothecary. 

 

Mola Ram has brewed a special potion which he calls "the blood of the Kali ma" which can turn even the most badass archeologist into a card carrying thuggee.  Ole Mola is no one trick pony! 

 

I mentioned above that Mola Ram has haunted my subconscious all these many years. Even though Temple of Doom isn't a horror film per se it still gave my adolescent self a proper spooking. A spooking that I loved with every fiber of my being and I cite it as the film that helped me evolve into the horror fiend I am today. The horror flicks that always scare and interest me the most are the ones dealing with supernatural evil and the going ons of evil cults and it was this very flick that started it all for me. 

Even while writing this post I fear I have a Mola Ram induced nightmare heading my way. Kali be with you, you wonderfully evil bastard! 

 

 

ILSA: Harem Keeper of the Oil sheiks aka Ilsa finds true love

Welcome back Wanderers! In today's post I'll be discussing a film that is a fiery jihad of debauchery: "Ilsa Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks"!

 

 

That is right wanderers, our beloved Ilsa has returned to the 13th Floor! In "Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks" Ilsa has retired from her SS shenanigans (sexiest WW2 vet I've ever seen) to pursue a career as a Harem keeper for a sinister Oil Sheik.  

  The film opens with Ilsa fulfilling one of her many duties as harem keeper, finding new recruits. How does she accomplish such a task? Does she have an army of scandalously clad ladies, walking around busy city streets and  holding up signs which read " ILSA WANTS YOU!"? I'm afraid this isn't the case you see, the harem isn't composed of "volunteers".  They're poor young women who are abducted,drugged and shipped to Saudi Arabia in crates labeled "fragile".
                                                                                   

 

Yep, this is where things are headed folks. If you're not repulsed and wish to stay please read on with extreme irony.

 

After giving the lasses a thorough once over *DISCLAIMER* You have no idea how thorough a once over she gives *END DISCLAIMER*, Ilsa puts her captives through a rigorous boot camp. Teaching them all the dos and don'ts of being a trouser-snake charmer for Sheiks. Although with this particular sheik, there really doesn't appear to be many don'ts.

 

 

Ilsa  makes it very clear to her new troops that escape is futile. Fiesty ole Ilsa doesn't take kindly to deserters and has a whole slew of morally bankrupt methods of punishment to inflict on those who try.

 This one in particular seems to vanquish any thoughts of escape. Having a very had time bringing myself to describe what is being explained in the pic above.  I'll leave it to all of your sick and twisted imaginations. Yes that brown lump in the cage is a living rat. Have fun with that one floating around your noggins wanderers!

 

Don't allow the relentless scenes of humiliation and mutilation fool you wanderers. "Ilsa Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks" is at its core, a story about love.

 

One night after a particularly hard day, Ilsa retires to her quarters accompanied by her right and left hand ladies Velvet and Satin. *DISCLAIMER* Nothing to disclaim here folks, that is their names. *END NON-DISCLAIMER*  Ilsa confides that she is lonely and wishes ever so hard for a hunky stranger to come into her life. Velvet (or Satin, I'm really not sure which one is which) comforts ole Ilsa by telling her that soulmate will come. Here I go getting all misty talking about this beautiful scene. Hold it together three eyed master hold it together!

Do you know what folks? Velvet(or Satin) was right.  Commander Adam Scott is about to enter Ilsa's life. 

 

You would think a yankee doodle dandy such as Commander Scott (pictured right) would be of Ilsa's taste. But this particular one has a dark and kinky side which warm's Ilsa's form and the two carry out a forbidden love affair which turns Romeo and Juliette too Ross and Rachael *DISCLAIMER* Yes that's right. Your three-eyed master knows his "Friends" *END DISCALIMER* 

 

Ilsa and the commander share many night's of kinky fun between the sheets, but they're blissful romantic interlude is suddenly brought to a halt after they are caught by Ilsa's employer the Sheik. After which Ilsa receives a rather disquieting punishment.  Debating right now to post a picture of the scene in question but the very thoughts of it makes me nauseous . Lets just say Ilsa finds the answer to the age old question of whether or not impotency is a symptom of leprosy. *SPOILER* Its not *END SPOILER*  She takes it like the proverbial trooper though, all in the name of love..... 

Another tragic love affair in this heart warming tale is shared between Ilsa's sidekicks Velvet and Satin.

 

Not only are Velvet and Satin lesbian sister lovers, they are also kung fu masters! (who saw that coming? I didn't!)

 

The two unleash one helluva mixed martial arts ass-whoopin on this poor bloke in the green shorts.  I have a hard time discussing their story because it has a tragic ending. Currently trying to make a youtube montage of their shenanigans to the tune of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On."  Oh Christ here I go again where are those tissues? Told myself I wasn't going to cry *DISCLAIMER* Yes the tissues are too wipe fictitious tears from my eyes not what all you sick puppies thought I was going to use them for. Get your heads outta the gutters. *END DISCLAIMER*

In essence "Ilsa Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks" has a little something for everyone:  Action, Romance, Political intrigue, a horny leper......  Bottom line if you ever want to feel guilty for a solid hour in a half this film  is for you my friends! Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GODZILLA VERSUS THE MATING MUTOS...ROUND 1......FIGHT!

Welcome back wanderers! Your master with the third eye has decided to spice things up a bit on the 13th Floor. Instead of reviewing some ancient horror smut I've decided to review a flick that is hip happening and playing at the theatre near you *DISCLAIMER* Sorry to disappoint those who have come for their 70's boob fix. None will be found in this post I'm afraid but fear not tomorrow is another day muhaha*END DISCLAIMER* I've decided to dedicate this post to reviewing North America's latest entry in the monster/disaster flick "Godzilla"! 

I have been anxiously awaiting for this flick since seeing the teaser trailer earlier this year. As a much younger man I devoured the old goofy Godzilla flicks watching several back to back on a daily basis. Just couldn't get enough of watching some dude in a rubber suit take on a hundred tons of cardboard cities. Upon hearing that Hollywood was going to make another attempt at the Big "G", I was worried fans would have another "Broderick" incident on their hands. I'm hear to tell you all that you have nothing to fear because this latest entry is fan-freaking-tastic!

A large part of the film's success lies in the fact that this two hours of monster madness actually has a really decent storyline which is revealed at a comfortably slow pace.

 Opening in  1999, nuclear physicist Joe Brody (Bryan Cranston) investigates  strange patterns of atomic activity that threatens to destroy  the power plant where he and his wife (Juliette Binoche) are employed. After warning the higher ups that cataclysmic doings are transpiring, Brody is dismissed as a crack pot and his warnings are ingored *SPOILER* They were wrong *END SPOILER* Tragedy ensues....

Flash ahead Fifteen years later, Joe Brody's son Ford Brody ( Aaron Taylor Johnson) is called to Japan to bail his old dad out of Jail after he was caught snooping around the supposed "quarantine" area. Ford agrees and flies to Japan after becoming reacquainted with his estranged father the two set off to uncover the monster of all cover-ups *CONFESSION* Pun greatly intended *END CONFESSION* It appears the plant brody and his Wife were working at was really a smoke screen covering up the existence of giant insectlike monsters referred to as MUTOS (Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organism)

 

Kooky old Doc Joe Brody theorizes the two MUTOS (one male one female mind you) have been communicating to each other from across the globe via echolocation.  Little did they know that a  alpha preadator who goes by the name of Godzilla was listening in on their little echo-chats. This causes the big "G" to track these rascally creatures down and give them a proper arsewhooping!

 What was interesting to me was the film handled Godzilla  as a sort of mythic being. Instead of being the product of nuclear testing Godzilla is one of the last of his  species that existed long before the dinosaurs and that these alleged ":nuclear tests" were actual attempts to destroy the beast. Not to spoil anything but its a good thing these were failed attempts otherwise humanity would be MUTO dung by now. 

This brings me to something else I found interesting was that the filmmakers chose Godzilla to be the hero of the film rather then be the menace. This was a great shout out to the original Japanese Godzilla flicks which often showed a Godzilla fighting to save humanity.  Not too mention Godzilla hasn't looked this good in a long time! The visual effects artists did a top notch job in making Godzilla one badass beast with a hard on for havoc!

 

The film has a dark and menacing tone which made it an even more enthralling viewing experience. Although dark there was a sort of tongue and cheek melodramatic feel which made it fun. The film does have its weaknesses though mostly in the acting, (Aaron Taylor Johnson I'm looking at you) I realize complaining about acting and character development in a disaster flick is like complaining there are too many people smoking dope at a Grateful Dead concert but its worth noting that there is a lack of chemistry between all the human protagonists *DISCLAIMER* This being said there is great chemistry between Godzilla's feet and the MUTO's collective arses *END DISCLAIMER*.    The film's slow pace help make it a suspenseful watch. For the first 30 ought minutes we are only treated to small little hints of the title monster but let me tell you he makes one hell of an entrance. The scenes were Godzilla and the MUTOs duke it out are flippin killer and exciting scenes. Want a to have a blast at the movies go see Godzilla!

 

"Just keep going straight til you reach a burning pentagram....THEN TURN THE HELL AROUND!!!!"

Hello Wanderers tis me the 3 Eyed Master of the 13th floor. What's the deal with my third eye you ask? That's not important right now and I will explain that whole nonsense later *DISCLAIMER* Maybe *END DISCLAIMER* What is truly important right now is that I write to you my readers about a wonderful little motion picture I just watched (Watched with all 3 eyes mind you) entitled "Race with the Devil" Fasten your seat belts minions the ride is going to get rough....

I just purchased this delightful piece of horror cinema yesterday at a local mecca of used horror goodies.  It was the title and the picture of a shotgun wielding Warren Oates that caught my interest at first. When I spun around the dvd case and read the synopsis on the back I fell head over heels over this find.  

The film centers around buddies til the end Roger (Fonda) and Frank (Oates).  In desperate need for a vacation, the two purchase an RV with the plans of heading to Aspen Colorado with their lovely wives portrayed by Lara Parker and Loretta Switt  *CONFESSION* Seeing Mrs. Switt listed in the cast was a major selling point in picking this flick up.  If you're not familiar with who she is that probably means you've never seen and or heard of MASH. If this is the case then after reading this blog you are going to do everything in your power to see it and become acquainted with Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan. *END CONFESSION*  On their way to Aspen our weary travelers pull down a deserted road and find a nice secluded spot to set up camp for the night. After dinner Roger and Frank drunkenly shoot the shit when they notice an odd scene taking place nearby.

 

The odd scene in question is a true honest to Lucifer Black Mass! One thing I absolutely love in horror films is a good old fashioned Satanic shindig and the one that takes place in "Race with The Devil" is truly one of the best ones these three eyes have seen. It contains all the right ingredients of a tasty horror movie Satanic ritual: Eerie chanting,black robed devil worshipping baddies,a scary ass High priest and  enough 70's boobs to cause a 24 hour long unholy stiffy!

 

While witnessing this ritual Frank and Roger mistakingly alert the cultists of their presence which leads to one of the film's many suspenseful chase scenes.  You read correctly my ghouls this film has absolutely batshit insane chase scenes that put French Connection and Bullit to shame!

 

Car chases, Satanists and Loretta Switt OHHHH MY!

"Race with the Devil" is one helluva chiller as well. My spine tingled more then once my watching this. After "escaping" the Satanists for the first time *DISCLAIMER* Escaped is in quoatation marks because little do our heroes know they really haven't escaped the devil folk *END DISCLAIMER* the gang take refuge at a campsite. To wash off the stress of being chased by cloaked Satanists in the dead of night the wives decide to take a dip in the pool.

 Why does Mrs Parker look so distressed you ask? She's distressed because she's come to realize sinister eyes are surrounding her, gazing on her with eerie interest. have they truly escaped? You'll just have to find out!

"Race with the Devil" is  a straight outta hell blast to watch! Do yourselves a favor and track this picture down if you want some Devilish thrills and chills! Hope this film enlightens you wanderers as it enlightened your Three Eyed Master. Safe travels my friends!

 

Egads is that a rattlesnake in the RV?!?!?!?! How did it get in there?!?!?!?!

Kill List

Welcome 13th Floor Wanderers! In this post I'm going to recommend to you all one helluva horror flick Ben Wheatley's Kill List! 

 

"Kill List" isn't your average run of the mill horror movie. In fact, while watching it you're not really aware you're watching a horror movie until the last 15 minutes of the film. "Kill List" is a sort of gangster/horror movie hybrid that settles itself into the dark recesses of your brain and stays there long after it has ended. 

 

The film centers around Jay (pictured above) a skilled hit man who suffers from post traumatic stress after a botched assignment. Jay wants nothing more then to leave his morally ambiguous profession behind him to spend time with his wife and son.  He is convinced by his best friend and partner Gal to take one last assignment before retiring.  The assignment is to assassinate three targets: a priest, a librarian and politician. Personally I would have spared the priest and librarian and skip right to the politician but that's just kooky old me.

 

The assignment is handed down to Jay and Gal by a mysterious aristocrat who appears to know more about Jay then Jay himself.

 It becomes very clear to Jay that this isn't a normal hit  *DISCLAIMER* I realize "normal hit" is sort of an oxymoron but in actuality this is definitely not your usual hit *END DISCLAIMER* Before they meet their demises each of the targets thank Jay and tell him it was an honor to meet him. None of them make any sort of effort to fight back either. They accept their fates without fear which leads Jay and Gal to believe there is more to this assignment then meets the eye. I'm not going to spoil anything mostly because I believe there is a special spot in hell for folk who spoil movies (not sure what  specific circle of hell but I'm assuming its the same circle inhabited by Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin and people who listen to dubstep) Jay and Gal are completely correct in assuming that something wicked this way comes. 

 

The plot of "Kill List" unfolds in three acts. The first act deals primarily with Jay and his family.  I found Jay to be a sympathetic character. Yes he is a trained killer but he is seeking redemption by becoming a better husband and father. There is a beautifully filmed scene in the beginning where Jay  his son and wife  partake in a mock sword fight that is actually quite heart warming. The scenes in the first act are brightly lit creating the warm feel of a family film.

 

 

 

The second act of the film deals with Jay and Gal completing their mysterious assignment. The warm and fuzzy family film feel of the first act is shed for a darker and  almost Guy Ritchie feel. There is an air of mystery surrounding the second act as Jay and Gal attempt to figure out the mysterious nature of their mission at hand at the same time tracking down their three targets. Shocking and brutal violence awaits the viewer in the second act. Some of the violence will probably have you begging to go back to the films care free first act."Kill List" contains something that is seldom seen in horror cinema these days CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!! The viewer knows everything about Jay.  In the first act his relationship with his family is examined in full and in the second act his relationship with Gal is also shown in full.

 

 

Then we get to the third act of the film. In the first two acts there are little hints and teases that this gangster flick you are watching and hopefully enjoying might turn into a horror flick around the next dark corner. Let me tell you my readers tread around that corner lightly. I'm not going to say much about the third act other then it is completely TERRIFYING,NERVE WRACKING,BONE CHILLING, TRAUMA INDUCING!!!! Prepare yourselves wanderers and say goodbye to sleeping well for a long time!