The film opens with Ilsa fulfilling one of her many duties as harem keeper, finding new recruits. How does she accomplish such a task? Does she have an army of scandalously clad ladies, walking around busy city streets and holding up signs which read " ILSA WANTS YOU!"? I'm afraid this isn't the case you see, the harem isn't composed of "volunteers". They're poor young women who are abducted,drugged and shipped to Saudi Arabia in crates labeled "fragile".
Yep, this is where things are headed folks. If you're not repulsed and wish to stay please read on with extreme irony.
After giving the lasses a thorough once over *DISCLAIMER* You have no idea how thorough a once over she gives *END DISCLAIMER*, Ilsa puts her captives through a rigorous boot camp. Teaching them all the dos and don'ts of being a trouser-snake charmer for Sheiks. Although with this particular sheik, there really doesn't appear to be many don'ts.
Ilsa makes it very clear to her new troops that escape is futile. Fiesty ole Ilsa doesn't take kindly to deserters and has a whole slew of morally bankrupt methods of punishment to inflict on those who try.
This one in particular seems to vanquish any thoughts of escape. Having a very had time bringing myself to describe what is being explained in the pic above. I'll leave it to all of your sick and twisted imaginations. Yes that brown lump in the cage is a living rat. Have fun with that one floating around your noggins wanderers!
Don't allow the relentless scenes of humiliation and mutilation fool you wanderers. "Ilsa Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks" is at its core, a story about love.
One night after a particularly hard day, Ilsa retires to her quarters accompanied by her right and left hand ladies Velvet and Satin. *DISCLAIMER* Nothing to disclaim here folks, that is their names. *END NON-DISCLAIMER* Ilsa confides that she is lonely and wishes ever so hard for a hunky stranger to come into her life. Velvet (or Satin, I'm really not sure which one is which) comforts ole Ilsa by telling her that soulmate will come. Here I go getting all misty talking about this beautiful scene. Hold it together three eyed master hold it together!
Do you know what folks? Velvet(or Satin) was right. Commander Adam Scott is about to enter Ilsa's life.
You would think a yankee doodle dandy such as Commander Scott (pictured right) would be of Ilsa's taste. But this particular one has a dark and kinky side which warm's Ilsa's form and the two carry out a forbidden love affair which turns Romeo and Juliette too Ross and Rachael *DISCLAIMER* Yes that's right. Your three-eyed master knows his "Friends" *END DISCALIMER*
Ilsa and the commander share many night's of kinky fun between the sheets, but they're blissful romantic interlude is suddenly brought to a halt after they are caught by Ilsa's employer the Sheik. After which Ilsa receives a rather disquieting punishment. Debating right now to post a picture of the scene in question but the very thoughts of it makes me nauseous . Lets just say Ilsa finds the answer to the age old question of whether or not impotency is a symptom of leprosy. *SPOILER* Its not *END SPOILER* She takes it like the proverbial trooper though, all in the name of love.....
Another tragic love affair in this heart warming tale is shared between Ilsa's sidekicks Velvet and Satin.
Not only are Velvet and Satin lesbian sister lovers, they are also kung fu masters! (who saw that coming? I didn't!)
The two unleash one helluva mixed martial arts ass-whoopin on this poor bloke in the green shorts. I have a hard time discussing their story because it has a tragic ending. Currently trying to make a youtube montage of their shenanigans to the tune of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On." Oh Christ here I go again where are those tissues? Told myself I wasn't going to cry *DISCLAIMER* Yes the tissues are too wipe fictitious tears from my eyes not what all you sick puppies thought I was going to use them for. Get your heads outta the gutters. *END DISCLAIMER*
In essence "Ilsa Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks" has a little something for everyone: Action, Romance, Political intrigue, a horny leper...... Bottom line if you ever want to feel guilty for a solid hour in a half this film is for you my friends! Enjoy!
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